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Monday May 23rd 2022

(5) The Battle

As time went by, I have started to work now. I tried several jobs because I wanted to learn more to enrich myself. During this period of time,”my friend” didn’t come to me very often.

One day when I was traveling on a bus after work, the bus passed by a funeral house. All of a sudden, my “friend” came and attacked me! The thoughts suddenly rushed into my mind like a movie. I saw I was dead already. My picture was there in the middle of the funeral hall. My friends were there mourning. Then my body was lying in the coffin and I was burnt.  All these thoughts rushed into my mind within a few seconds and I was totally broken down! The fear and the emptiness was so deep that I could do nothing to get rid of it. So I called my friends for help. All they could do was to make me drunk so my brain would stop thinking.

Next morning, this feeling remained the same.  I had to admit that something must be wrong with me emotionally.  So I went to see our family doctor and asked him to give me some medicine and refer me to a government psychiatrist.  However, it would take a very long queuing time. So my friend referred me to a private one.  This psychiatrist spent only a few minutes meeting me and said I had depression. He gave me some medicine and I took the medicine as instructed everyday. But not only was there no improvement at all, I even felt worse and made me easily irritable.

I therefore consulted another psychiatrist. This psychiatrist was very different from the previous one. He used a lot of time to understand my history and my thoughts. He said the previous doctor was not a registered one at all, and the medication was not suitable for me and I was over dosed! He said I was suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. He gave me some other medicine. But there was no improvement too.

Finally, the time for government psychiatrists came. But each time, they could only spend a few minutes with me. If I said I felt better, they would reduce the dosage. If I said there was no improvement, they would in turn increase the dosage again. As a result, my dosage was very high. The side effect was xerostomia, tremor, and made me choleric. I seemed to have become another person. My situation was even worse. The medication could only suppress those negative thoughts.

I knew deep down in my heart that medication could not help me at all. I was very tired fighting with this “friend”!

My family tried everything they could to help me.  Once they brought me to a Chinese doctor who was quite well known for curing a celebrity using acupuncture therapy. I went there several times but again found no improvement at all.

My situation turned worse and worse. I had even tried other drugs several times. But I knew very clearly this couldn’t help. Of course I felt very good at that moment. But after waking up, I knew that I still needed to face the reality.  Afterwards, I always got drunk and offended many people.  I was sent to the hospital many times because of this.  Each time my family members had to come and take care of me. They were so helpless and worried. All they could say to me was, ” It’s okay, it’s okay…..” They didn’t blame me or say any hard words to me. Maybe because they could understand my situations.  I was sent to the intensive care unit many times too. 

I thought, why should all of this have to happen to me? Why….why…why?

One time, I was in the hospital again. My brother came to visit me. The first word he said to me was, “When your sister-in-law comes, you need to apologize to her, because you woke her up last night. “ I thought, the worry I had about losing my brother has turned to reality. I had even discussed with a social worker about my worry on this when I was only a student.  The brother who grew up with me for so many years, the first word he said to me was not “Are you okay?” but “Apologize.”.  I was very hurt. I really didn’t have any energy to consider my brother’s situation at that time.  I didn’t say sorry, but instead my heart was filled with sadness.

One day, I was very depressed and didn’t go to work. I really wanted to leave this world. I could not stand this anymore. I had to put an end to this battle.  I swallowed many pills. I was crawling on the floor. In front of my eyes, all I could see was a window without a frame. I thought, “yes, this is the time, everything will be ended. Both me and my “friend “will disappear in this world forever. Everything will be resolved soon, if only I will move one step further………..

What had stopped me from getting closer to that window? How could I face the reality afterwards? I was cheated into a hell-like place and how did I escape from this abyss?  Next chapter-The Abyss.

Mr. Ice Cream

(4) Losing my grandparents

Some of the readers may wonder why my life has been filled with so many hardships and so many question marks. For example, the girl living next door wanted to start her life right again, but was killed in a traffic accident.  Of course, by that time, I was only a kid, I felt totally helpless and found no way to resolve the doubts inside my heart.  As of today, how will I look at this? I think life is not controlled in our hands. We have to treasure our time. Do not do anything that makes yourself or the ones who love you live in regret.  It is not ours to say, “ Let me enjoy life and do what I want first!” If we know something is right, we have to grasp the day and do it today!

Now let me share with you about losing my grandparents in this chapter.’

My grandma (my father’s mother) loves me very much. She is a very kind lady. One time she discovered that I have stolen my grandpa’s money.  She promised me that she would not tell anyone if I would never do this again.  I was so thankful to her and of course I have never done this again.  However, I couldn’t understand why she always told me, “ You must be good.  Do not let anyone look down upon you. “  I thought, she must have been hurt by someone and thus said this to me.

As time went by, her health deteriorated. When I was 14, one day she was laying in her bed. She held my hand and said, “ Remember this, you must be good…. “ Why? Again such words! I felt a bit annoyed and didn’t take her words seriously.

In just a few days’ time, her situation turned very bad and she couldn’t speak at all. We could do nothing.  Our only hope was that she could leave without much pain.  However, what I saw was, my grandma, such a kind lady, had suffered so much in those few days. We could only stay by her side all the time in the hospital. These few days were very, very long for me.

At this moment, my “ friend” suddenly ran into my mind again… my grandma, why she had to suffer all these? Would I have to suffer the same when I died? I started to use pain to suppress my fear again.  So, I used my right hand to hurt my left hand.  This was the only way I could stop these thinking!

It was in the afternoon while we were still staying in the hospital with grandma. My mothers’ family members called and told us that my grandma (my mother’s mother) was in the hospital too!

So I went with my mum to another hospital and visited grandma. She was quite all right, without any serious situations.  So we went back to the other side.  In the evening, we went home to take a rest.  However, when we just got home, we got a message from the hospital that grandma (my father’s mother) was in very bad conditions that we needed to rush back.  As we were on the way, my grandma didn’t wait for us, and she left quietly without a word.  I thought, maybe grandma didn’t want us to be so sad.  So, she chose to leave when we were not around.

We were all so tired that night. But as when we were sleeping in the middle of the night, a call from the other hospital woke us up. My mother’s mother, was in very bad condition.  I thought, how could this be? She was okay when we visited her this morning. So I rushed to the hospital with my mother.  When we were on the way to the ward, I could hear the crying…. I couldn’t believe this!  I lost both grandmas in the same day!  My mother was very sad. I had to suppress my feelings and told myself to be strong.  I comforted my mother and accompanied her home.  But inside my heart, I could not accept this, why? Was this just a co-incident? All these questions have been in my heart all the time affecting me through out the years as I grew up.

A few years later, one day, my grandpa asked me to go out to buy some food for him. I just rejected him without any reason. I didn’t realize that this was almost our last conversation.  A few days later, his health suddenly turned very bad and was sent to the intensive care unit. I went to visit him. He could still talk, and he said to me, “ Remember, you must be obedient, you must be good! “ I thought, why, again such words! I am already a very good student. Why do they keep saying this to me? A few days later, he passed away in great pain, with bleeding from his ears, eyes, mouth and nose.

I was in deep regret.  He only asked me to do a very simple thing for him. I didn’t take the opportunity to do it and I never had the chance to speak to him again. After that, I learnt that if I was able to do something, I should do it as quickly as I could.  I would not allow myself to regret again. Today and tomorrow could be two totally different worlds. If you don’t do this today, may be you will never be able to do it tomorrow.

My heart was filled with anger and sorrow. Why had my grandparents and my mother kept saying, “ You must be good”?  This is because my family is a very large one, consisting of many smaller families.  Some of us were richer and some were poorer.  They always compare themselves with each other.  No matter what happened in one family, gossip would be spread to other families.  No matter what we did, be it a wedding, or a funeral, we must do it perfectly so no one can say a word. They will only say bad things about you.  So “don’t let other people look down upon you” has been deeply cultivated in my mind.  If they became richer, they will look down upon you. If my family gets richer, they will be jealous about us.  Even if we tried to help some of the poorer ones, they would not be thankful to us at all!

All these painful experiences caused “ my friend “ to visit me more and more frequently.  I felt life was so meaningless. No matter how hard I tried to look for the meaning of life, no matter how hard I tried to be good, we could never escape from the emptiness of life. Both my body and my soul were in great pain. 

I tried to call counseling hotlines and met with counselors. I totally understood what they said about the meaning of life. But this could never stop “my friend from attacking me.  I have tried to do volunteer work to help other people, and I have learnt a lot from this too. I would try everything other people said that could bring meaning to life.  But it was just the same.

I studied in Christian school since I was very young. I knew about Jesus and had joined some fellowship meetings too. However, one day, my family told me that I was offered to Kwan Yum (a Chinese god) and therefore should not go to church again. I was only a kid and I had no power to choose what I wanted. So I stopped going to church.  But in my mind, I have a belief that at the moment before I died, I would believe in Jesus.  Because in my heart, I knew that He is the real God. However, since I didn’t go to church and had no chance to study the Bible, I also worshipped other gods. I didn’t know that this was wrong.

I was in great pain. I have tired to seek help. I have tried to find a solution for it. But nothing could help me. Gradually, I would use any method that could help me stop this thinking.  I would pray. I would hurt myself, hit myself, or slam my fist against the wall…. All I wanted was using pain to prove that I still exist, and suppressed all these negative thoughts.

Next chapter, I will share with you before I was born again, how I fight with “ my friend “ in the darkness.

Mr. Ice Cream

Leaning on God, step by step

I will use “God replied me immediately” to describe my experience when believing in Jesus. 

In 2000, I was an insurance agent and have satisfactory sales records. However, when the financial storm hit the world, our business contracted a lot.  At the same time, since I had made some unwise decisions on my personal investment, I started to borrow money to pay my debts. This happened again and again.

My heart was very down by that time. I still pretended to be strong and positive in front of other people. However, when I was alone, I was very frustrated and sad. I was almost on the verge of breaking down.

When it comes to the end for human being, that is the beginning of God. One day, I was sitting on the upper deck in a bus. I saw a very large sign saying, “ Come on to me all who are heavy-laden, I will give you rest. “ I know this sign is talking about Jesus Christ. I thought, “ if I can really rest in your place, I really want to know more about you. “ 

One week later, miracles happened.  Three Christians came to me and shared with me the gospel, one after another!  The first one was my colleague. He invited me to a gospel meeting held in the Hong Kong Coliseum.  After the meeting, I was quite moved but I didn’t want to show it.  The second one was my friend and she invited me to her church but I turned her down.

The third one invited me to a men’s meeting. The topic was “ the 3 G for men, i.e. Girl, Gold and Grade”. I didn’t know this is a Christian meeting at all. I was very interested in this topic.  Moreover, this friend was going to join my insurance team soon.  So I thought at least for courtesy reason, I need to go.  After the meeting, they encouraged me to believe in Jesus and we had some discussion too. At first, I had some hesitation.  However, I started to think seriously, this group of people, no matter in their education, or social class, or financially, were much better off than me.  But they still need to rely on Jesus. I thought, there must be something about this religion I didn’t know about.  And as they said, you didn’t need to do anything, all you need was to believe in your heart, and acknowledge that you are a Christian. I thought there was no loss at all to believe, and I could know more people here too.  That was how I decided to believe. 

Of course, after I believed in Jesus, I learnt much more about Jesus and had personal relationship with him.  I learnt that He is the only God who I could rely on, and going to church is much more than a social event.

I experienced the peace and power of God on me and was being changed by God step by step.  My relationship with my family and friends improved a lot. All my family members are Christians now!  Although my debts were not settled within one day, I have peace and joy in my heart. I learnt how to manage my personal finance and get out of that situation step by step.  This peace and joy is hard to explain. I clearly remember that on the day I decided to follow Jesus, I was so joyful. My heart was beating very fast when I was on my way home. I was so excited! I felt like I have everything I needed and other problems were not important anymore! I think, this is the peace and joy from God!

Of course, there were difficulties in life too. But with the peace and joy from God, and leaning on God everyday, I have the confidence to go through all these difficulties!

May God’s grace come upon you and your family!

Ronald

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(3) Pain kills Fear

Editor’s notes:  Some of the contents in this article may arouse uncomfortable feelings among some readers.  The reason why we published these details is because we wish to let our readers know that, the power of darkness exists, and is real.  However, there is true light in this world and the true light will have final victory!  God is in total control!

*******

When I was in Form 1, many things were new to me, I was therefore too busy to allow my “friend” to visit me.

By that time, many young boys like me have curiosity towards evil spirits.  Once we went to picnic in the countryside.  Everybody just followed what others said and went searching for a “ bloody scarf “.  Why did we have to do this?  Why do people have to keep doing something which they knew they shouldn’t?  Just for curiosity! Of course, nothing could be found.

I have also tried to play with the “ coin spirit “ and the “ pencil spirit “ (This is something similar to fortune telling, that a spirit has entered a coin or a pencil to allow it to answer people’s questions by its movements.) Later, some of my friends suggested that we should play a more exciting one – the “ plate” spirit. (Several people gather together and put a small plate on a piece of newspaper.  They put their hands on the plate at the same time. Then they will ask some questions to the plate.  It was believed that the plate will move by itself on the newspaper and will stop at the characters, which shows the answer) I am a person who believes in my own critical thinking. I would never believe in such “magic”. I thought, there must be one of us using his or her own strength to move the plate.  However, unfortunately, we felt that the plate was moving by itself instead. All of us tried to move it back to the right place but without success.  All of us were very frightened.  During this time, I would take shower once I got home from school, because I would feel more secure to take show at daytime!

Later, I have encountered some very unexplainable thing. One day, I was walking from school to home. I was very frightened. Because the path I used to pass by everyday was very different that day.  It used to be very busy everyday. But that day, it was very quiet and no one was there.  I saw a woman in front of me from a distance. I tried to walk closer to her so that I might feel better.  Then I passed her and was walking in front of her. She had long hair and was about 30 years old.  As I was walking in front of her, I started to feel something strange. She was speaking in some language,which I could not understand, and was spitting at the two sides! 

So I started to walk faster.  But as I walked faster, I could feel that she was walking faster behind me as well.  Finally, I felt very annoyed. So I turned around and scolded at her, “ What are you trying to do? Enough! “ But I was stunned by what I saw.  It was an old woman with white hair and a pair of glasses.  I ran as fast as I could to escape.  Finally, I saw some people there and was a little bit relieved. So I turned back to see.  But to my big surprise, the path I just passed through was not quiet at all, many people were walking there instead!

As soon as I got home, I looked seriously ill. My family members could imagine that I have met some evil spirits. So they immediately gave me some herbs and tea, which was offered to false gods, because they wanted to help me clam down.

After a while, I have forgotten this.

One day, I felt very uncomfortable again. I could feel that my “ friend “ was coming to visit me again.  I was in total chaos. But I need to attend PE class and had to do hurdling. When it was my turn, as I was running towards the frame, suddenly my mind went blank. I couldn’t see anything. Only white in front of my eyes. Of course, I couldn’t jump over the frame, but instead broke my right arm. I was under great pain and was treated for a few months.

By this time, fear has left me. My friend, who was out of my control, stopped visiting me too. Why? Because the pain I was suffering killed the fear!

What is my next challenge? Could I survive these challenges? Losing both grand parents in the same day. Was this a co-incident?

Next Chapter … Don’t ask me who I am (4) I lost them…. 

Mr. Ice cream

 
 
 

 

Lavender Garden BBQ

(2) I ‘ve Met it

My friend came to visit me again…who is he? Why did it happen at such a young age? Why didn’t God give me a second chance?

One day, I asked my father when we were eating in a Chinese restaurant. 

 “ Daddy, what is the meaning of life? If everybody ends up dying some day, why do we have to come to this earth? “

My Dad was a bit stunned by my question. “ Why do you have this thinking? “

“ I don’t know. It is just inside my mind all the time. “

 “ Ok….you have your family, you have your friends. Different people will have different destiny. Some people may become heroes and be remembered by many other people afterwards. That could be the meaning of life! “

 “ Dad, do you believe that there is a God in this world? “

 “ Yes, but not only one god, there are many gods too ….but, I think, all religions teach us to be good people. And you will follow what you believe too. For example, if you believe in Buddhism, you will have lives after lives. If you believe in Jesus, you will go to heaven someday! “

After talking with my father, I had this thinking in my little mind. Many people believe in a certain religion because they need to find something to rely on, so as to fill the emptiness in their hearts.  I had shared my trouble with my friends. All they said was, “ Forget this! Let’s have fun! “ I had also shared my doubts with my teacher. She asked me why I would have this thinking, was it because I have encountered some difficulties, or was life very hard for me.  However, I just could not describe my situations to my teacher. And, of course, I could not get any answer too.

Why so young?

When I was about 9 or 10 years old, one day, grandma told me, the kid next door drowned in the swimming pool and died. My reaction was, why? How could this happen at such a young age?

There was a girl living on the same floor near my home. She was very talented. She managed to acquire Grade 7 in piano straight from Grade 4 when she was still very young.  However, she started to play with some naughty kids and gave up schooling. 

When I was about in Form 1, one day I met her on our floor and we had a conversation. That was what she said,

 “ Life is so boring just playing all the time. I will go out tonight and play with them for the very last time.  Tomorrow morning after I wake up, I will go out to find a school. I want to go back to school and I want to get to Grade 8 too. “ I felt happy for her. I thought, this was good that she regretted and would start a good life again!

However, the next day, we read this in the newspaper.  She was in a hurry and didn’t bring her own hamlet, but used her friend’s hamlet.  A car knocked her down and the hamlet was gone. And she was gone forever!

I have very deep reflection on this. Have you ever encountered something still here today, but will be disappear tomorrow?  She has already known that she was wrong and she wanted to do it right again!  Why didn’t God give her one more chance?  This has very strong influence on me. 

Shortly after this,  I saw her mother. She looked so sad and so old. Her hair turned white almost overnight. Her sadness was so deep.

I learnt that one could never bring anything away with him when he leaves this world. Some people leave something good for other people when they pass away. But some people only leave sorrow and hurts behind to others when they died. What she had left to her mother was sorrow and sufferings. Her mother could never forget what had happened.

By that time, I learnt many poems in our Chinese studies. There were so many talented poets.  But many of them also ended up in misery. This had reinforced my thinking that, human being is so small and life is so meaningless.

What is coming next? I have encountered something, which were totally mysterious. This had brought great fear to me…. my friend came to visit me again.  I had no way out but to hurt myself because I found painfulness could kill fear! 

Next chapter, “ Don’t ask me who I am, pain kills fear”

Mr. Ice cream

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Mothers’ Prayer Meeting

” My boy is gifted. However, he doesn’t like to study.  This is a disadvantage under the education system in Hong Kong. No matter how hard we as parents try to build his confidence, whenever he compares his academic results with his peers, he lost his self-confidence.  He is just not ready yet. ”

” My girl is very good at dancing.  Whenever there is performance or dancing examination, she just couldn’t stand those boring practices.  I think I shouldn’t force her to keep dancing if she doesn’t want.  However, I am still wondering if I am doing the right thing. ”

” My kid’s English proficiency is very strong.  I want her to perform well in Chinese studies as well.  However, I stopped and think, is our expectation too much? We always have expectation to our kids.  Shall we let go and let God do what He wants? ”

” We really have to rely on God.  Sometimes, we think that all the credits should go to ourselves, that is, it is our efforts that bring such good performance to our kids.   Shall we think the other way, God can do what we cannot do! ”

Our prayers: Our heavenly father, we are so thankful that we can gather together and share our doubts and worries.  We as parents, now, do not know your plans toward our kids.  But we pray that You will give us the wisdom to help our kids fulfill Your will in their lives.

( 1 ) The Child

Everybody has friends. Your friends will surely visit you from time to time. I have a friend too.  He also visited me from time to time.  Who is he ?

I was born in a very healthy family. I lived with my parents, grandparents, auntie and brother. I had a lot of questions in my mind all the time. If I could not get the answer, I would not stop asking. When I was about 3 to 4 years old, I would question, “Which one comes first, the chicken or the egg? “ “How was I born to this world?” “I would ask my mother, “Who is your mother? “ My mum answered, “Your grandma! “ Then I asked, “Who gave birth to grandma? “ My mum answered, “Your grand-grandma! “Then who gave birth to grand-grandma?”  “Our ancestors!” “Who are our ancestors? Who are the ancestors of our ancestors……….? “

My mum surrendered and said, “You will know when you grow up.”

Once when I was playing with my brother, I asked him, “Why will people die? Where will they go after death?” My brother was only a little bit older than me, how could he answer my question?  He said, “You will know when you grow up.”  I asked mum the same question later. Mum said, “Be a good person. A good person will go to heaven; a bad person will go to hell. You have to be a successful and a good person, doesn’t let other people look down upon you.” Now I understand that she must have been upset by some other people and thus said this to me.  But she would not know that what she said had a deep influence on me.

I had a lot of assumptions toward life and death, heaven and hell since I was a small kid. I searched for the answers and I couldn’t get rid of these questions in my mind. Gradually, fear, anxiety, helplessness, and empty feelings started to grow within in my heart. I was in great pain and this pain just grew up with me.

I studied in Christian schools. I had a teacher, Ms Lee, who gave me a nickname as “balsam pear “(meaning bitterness).  I did not agree to this. I behaved well and my performance in school was very good.  In fact, I was a very playful kid.

There was morning assembly at my school everyday. They always talked about you must believe in Jesus, so you will have eternal life.  If you do not believe in Jesus, you will go to hell and be burnt forever! I was only in primary three, but eternal life, eternal death, infinity… etc. concepts were in my mind all the time, making me very painful.

My friend came to visit me, much earlier than I expected !  I have discussed about my friend with my peers, my teacher and my father.  My friend is ……..

What’s coming next? My friend always had different thinking from others !  Will he leave me someday ? Encounter with death for the first time….. What would come after seeing all these deaths?  What was the impact on me? Keep on reading the next chapter!

Mr. Ice cream

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