How does it feel if you are living in a maze? I was wandering every day. But I did not want this situation to continue. I wanted to do something. I would try anything which some people said might work. I could not see any future. I thought I should do what I wanted to do as quickly as possible.
Terror Attack, Anytime, Anywhere
So I went on a trip with my family. Under the quiet and beautiful sea, I was very happy diving there.
But suddenly, an idea came into my mind. “ What if I could not breath now, will I just die here in the middle of the sea? “ The panic attack just hit me within one second. I was thrown into fear. I was very far away from the shore, having panic attack in the middle of the sea.
The only thing I could do was to cry out to God in my heart. I struggled and struggled and finally reached the shore.
A few months later when I was at work, I felt very anxious. So I called the brother to pray with me over the phone. After a while, I started to feel very difficult to breath. I almost suffocated and I resorted to ask my colleague to send me to the hospital.
In the emergency room, I was very painful. I could hardly breath. My legs and arms could not move at all. I could feel nothing at all. I could not open my mouth nor speak.
I cried out to God in my heart. I thought, “ may be this is the time that I had to leave “. I could do nothing but quietly wait for God to receive my soul.
A scripture was repeating in my mind over and over again, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.”
My eyes started to close. It would be over very soon, everything would be over very soon ….
After a while, I found I was awake! I was still alive! I was not dead!
What the doctor explained was “ stress “ and told me to relax. However, this breathless feeling had never leave me. It was with me all the time.
Later, I was diagnosed with claustrophobia. One time when I was travelling on the MTR, the phobia attacked me. I was so panic that I had to leave the MTR to get some fresh air otherwise I might suffocate again. I could only travel by taxi for the rest of the journey!
I could not get into the elevator also. I had to struggle many times before I could go into it. But when the door was about to close, I was so panic that I jumped out again.
The Maze in the Death Valley
This situation get worst and worst. Not to say to travel on any vehicle, I actually could not find the courage to leave home. I could not go to work. I felt very difficult to breath even when I was at home. I had a thorough body check but nothing was wrong with my body physically.
What else could I do? It was impossible to endure such a life anymore. If there could be any means, which might give me some little hope of improvement, I would try.
When I look back now, I can see that I have tried something which did not worth trying. But at that time, I told myself that I must not give up. Why?
Firstly, I want my family to believe in Jesus too. Secondly, I am a Christian and I know that Christian should not suicide. Thirdly, I believed that there must be some reasons why God still has not taken my life. There must be something that He wants me to do.
I share this with you because I want you to know that you are not alone. In the darkest moments of our lives, no matter how hard we tried, there seems to be no solution at all. But, only if you do not give up, you will finally find a way out.
Driving out Evil Spirit, Nutritional Therapy, Hypnotherapy
It was God’s arrangement that I could meet a Christian lady who taught other Christians to drive out evil spirits. When she met with me, she said,
“ I believe this is God’s arrangement that I can meet you here today. Normally I will not meet with clients directly and I am not in Hong Kong for the most of my time. I am here because I need to attend a funeral. After the funeral I have to fly back immediately. I asked God if I should meet with you. And He told me to do so…. “
She prayed with me and immediately I vomited some liquid. She reminded me to remember some Bible scriptures. She told me whenever I feel wrong, I should use these scriptures to resist the devil. I believed that with God’s power, she could help me drive out all evil spirits. However, “ my friend “ was still affecting me from time to time, making me difficult to breath.
I was very confused. I could not distinguish whether it was the evil spirit, which made me ill, or I was actually emotionally ill myself.
A sister recommended a nutritional therapist to me. Since I had no other choice, I went and tried. The doctor used various kinds of vitamins to help his patients. He said my problem was caused by the accumulation of poisonous substances (such as heavy metal absorbed from polluted food) inside my body. The charges were very high. Later, however, I found that the doctor used the same therapy for all different kinds of patients. No matter if they were suffering from cancer, mental illness, or mentally retarded. He always recommended me to try other detoxification methods which were very expensive, and any ordinary people would find it impossible to afford in a long run. However, what he said to me was, “ What is more important? Your money or your body? “ I said to myself, “ Shall I trust this doctor? “ And I didn’t go there anymore.
I found out from the web that hypnotherapy might help. And I tried too. This helped me to relax and I felt comfortable after a few times.
The therapist wanted to help me to find out who “ my friend” was. She was very sincere and what she did for me was not for money. She even charged me less.
In one of those therapies, when I was “ asleep”, I met my grandparents, who passed away many years ago. They were smiling at me with a very peaceful smile. They said to me, “ yes, you are a good boy. We know that you have tried very hard. Hang on and do not give up. We fully understand. “ I was very touched and I cried and cried.
However, a brother told me that Christians should not try such therapy. Because the evil spirits could enter you when you were in a total relax condition.
I struggled very hard on this issue because I thought this therapy was helping me. How could I explain to the therapist that I would not come again?
Next chapter: I was thinking about how to explain to my therapist that I would not come again. But what she said gave me big surprise. I understood that this is God’s arrangement. The brother recommended me to another doctor. This doctor led me into another stage, and helped me to find out who “ my friend “ was……
Chapter 11 The Doctor
Mr. Ice Cream
