Days without Soul
After the emotional breakdown on the flight, I started to live my life without soul. Day after day, this was really horrible. I did not want to consult psychiatrist anymore. I knew very clearly that the medication could only suppress those negative thoughts but could not really help me.
I told myself, I needed to do what I should do, because may be I would have no more chance to do them anymore. This included going to a trip with my family and to get marry. I hoped we could have an unforgettable wedding so I could leave some good memories to my loved one if I would die someday.
Coming back to Church
I went back to church again. But it was not as easy as before.
During praise and worship time, I could not have the peace and joy which I experienced before. Instead, I felt very uncomfortable. I could feel some pressure in my heart, and even my stomach didn’t feel well.
In this period, I could feel the Lord’s spirit was with me, but not as often as before. Sometimes, no matter how hard I cried, it seemed that I could not find him anywhere.
One time, I was in a meeting with our pastor and some other brothers and sisters. The pastor asked me to read out the Bible scriptures and replace the “ I “ in the scriptures with my own name. I felt a bit difficult and uneasy when doing this. During the worship time, it seemed that there was a big wall pressing on my heart, blocking the peace from the Lord.
Sunday service was different too.
Sometimes I felt very uneasy when listening to the sermon. It seemed that the Word of the Lord couldn’t get in my ears and my heart.
One time, the sermon was about the ending of the “ evil one “. I was listening and was feeling very uncomfortable all the way. It seemed that there was a fire burning in my heart. It was almost unbearable that I had to leave the auditorium for a while.
After the service, the pastor said to me, “ I know that you are very uncomfortable. I was watching you all the time during the sermon. But I still need to deliver this message. This message is not for you, but for the evil one inside you. I have to let it know its ending. “
Sudden Attack
In one of the cell group meetings, this uneasy feeling was very strong. I told the brothers and sisters that I was very uncomfortable and they prayed for me.
Suddenly, my arms and legs could not move at all, then the whole body could not move also. I could only tell them “ my whole body was in pain. “ They continued to pray for me. And then a brother gave me a glass of water mixed with salt and told me to drink it. All the other people were praying for me. After sometime, I was relieved.
Don’t Fight the Battle Alone
A brother proposed to pray regularly with me. He thought there must be something wrong. This brother also taught me, the Bible tells us not to stop coming to meetings. Since I didn’t go to church for a long time already, opportunity was opened for the devil to attack me again.
He also explained to me about a story in the Bible. Jesus healed a man and the evil spirit left him. But he didn’t follow Jesus all the time. Then the devil came back and brought more other evil spirits to live inside that man. The situation of that man was therefore worse than before. So, my situation could be worse than before!
However, one thing comforted my heart all the time was, all the brothers and sisters prayed with me every time after the meetings, asking the spirit of the Lord to stay with me.
One time, when we were praying, the brother asked me to think back the time when I was in Japan, playing those horrible games. A dirty spirit appeared in my mind. I was very afraid. It was very dirty and evil. It was an object with lots of dirty mud flowing down.
My brother said to me, “ I can feel that you can see something very dirty. You don’t have to say anything now. You don’t need to be afraid. “ Then, this brother ordered this evil spirit to leave my body in Jesus’ name. It disappeared.
I could not deny that Jesus is real!
One time when we were praying, some words appeared in my heart. I was astonished that these words came out from the mouth of another brother. Could it be possible that this brother could read my mind? Of course not. It was the Lord speaking to us at the same time!
Every time when I prayed with that brother, I could receive words from the Lord.
One time, when we were praying, I could see that I was trapped in a cage. A tiger was watching me from outside, seemed that it would attack me or kill me anytime. But the Lord taught me to see from a different point of view. I could feel that the Lord told me to step back and back and then look again. I was very surprised, the one who was trapped behind the iron bars was not me, but the tiger instead!
The brothers and sisters continued to pray for me, hoping to break that wall inside my heart. We spent a lot of a time praying for this many times but still the wall could not be broken.
My pastor said to me, “ It is okay even if the wall cannot be broken now. You have to remember that you are not alone, with the power of Jesus and the power of the church, it will be broken someday! “
Another time, the brother took me to a Christian organization specializes in praying for healing. The staff there prayed for me and found that I had a “ spirit of abandonment” inside of me, meaning that I was very afraid of being left alone by my loved ones. I could not agree with them. I did not think that this is my character and my family loves me all the time. I kept on asking for the reason. The staff explained that it could be “ inherited “. I was very lost about this. When I got home, I kept asking my parents about this.
That day, I felt that my life was like a movie. I was already more than twenty years old, and I didn’t know that my father was actually adopted ! That means, my grandparents, who loved me so much, were not my real grandparents ! I deeply appreciated my grandparents for loving me so much. God’s power is really amazing!
Don’t Ask Again, but Look unto God
The brother had prayed with me for more than 10 times. Every time when he prayed with me, I could feel the peace.
However, when I was by myself, the anxiety came back again. I really could not distinguish whether it was because of the evil spirit or because of the “ friend “ who was with me since I was very young.
I actually gave up asking about this. There was no use keep on asking anyway. I always asked God, why did it have to happen to me. Is it said in the Bible that “ No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear “? I said to God very often that this is almost beyond my ability. But I could not get any answer from Him by that time.
The brother encouraged me from time to time, telling me no matter how difficult the situation was, I had to hang on, and God had His purpose for me. I totally understood what the brother said. However, my situation was really bad. Can you imagine how does it feel if you will be attacked any time, anywhere, and no matter what you are doing ? I really didn’t know how long I could endure!
The idea of taking my own life came again. However, I could not do this. Because I was a Christian already. I knew that Christian should not commit suicide. I could not live any longer, but at the same time, I could not choose to die.
Some other believers from other churches also joined in and prayed for me. A preacher from another church prayed for me. He said it should not be mental problems. He told me to have faith in God and remember these scriptures all the time. It was Psalm 121:
“I lift up my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip, he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD watches over you, the LORD is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm, he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going, both now and forevermore. “
From then on, whenever I felt something wrong, I used these scriptures to resist. It was very hard to live on like this.
Next chapter: The day when we all went for a trip came. Could this help me relax? I was admitted to the emergency room again, facing death. How did I feel when I was very close to death? I could be able to see an experienced Christian lady who prayed for me as well. I kept on trying some other therapies too. I was in a maze….
Next chapter: The Maze
Mr. Ice Cream
沒靈魂的日子
自從在飛機上再一次崩潰之後，我像只得回一個沒靈魂的軀殼，一日復一日，日子很難捱。我不想再看精神科醫生了，因為我很清楚，藥物只能治標不能治本。我告訴自己，盡快去做我應做而未做的事，因恐怕自己再沒有機會做了。和家人一起去旅行，和自己所愛的結婚，及設計一個不一樣的難忘婚禮，留給自己最愛的人一點點回憶。
重回後的困難
我再次返回教會小組聚會了，可是，在唱歌讚美時，已沒有了以前的平安和喜樂了，我竟然感到很不自在，在心中有一種隱隱的壓力，而胃部也有點不適。在這階段，我時不時都會感受到主的靈在我的心中，但卻不像以前那樣時常都感受到。有時，更無論我怎樣呼求，也好像找不着衪。有一次，牧師和兩位弟兄姊妹和我一起聚會，牧師叫我讀一篇經文，並把經文中的『我』字，讀做我自己的名字，我覺得有點吃力，在我心中有些不自在的感覺，而在敬拜時，在我心中又好像出現了一幅牆，重重的壓住我，阻隔了主的平安。
星期日返主日崇拜時，和以前都很不同。因為有時在聽道時，我心中覺得很不尋常和不太自在，總像聽不進耳似的。有一次星期日的主日崇拜，雖然我已不記起是什麼題目，但我記得內容是說有關那『惡者』最終的結局的。我一直在聽，但一直都覺得很辛苦。在我心中，更有點像被火燒的感覺。我實在捱不住這種感覺，最後要離開禮堂，稍稍休息才感到好一點。事後牧師和我說：『我知道你很辛苦，但這堂道是我特定要說的，我其實不是說給你聽的，而是說給在你裏面的惡者聽的，要它知道最終的結局是如何。我亦看得出你很辛苦，因為在我講道時，一直都留意着你。』
突襲
有一次在小組敬拜時，這奇怪的力量更加強烈。我唯有告訴組員我很辛苦，弟兄姊妹就立時為我禱告。但是，之後我的四肢竟不能動彈，繼而全身也不能動，只能用口說：『我好辛苦，全身麻痺和剌痛。』他們便繼續為我禱告，但並沒有立時得到解決。後來，有位弟兄給了我一杯鹽水，我飲了，而其他人則繼續不斷為我禱告，一段時間之後，我才回復正常。
同心的禱告 不是孤身作戰
之後，有一位弟兄主動提出定時和我一起禱告，因他總覺一定得有些問題才會引致這情況的。而這位弟兄也勸勉我，聖經教導說：『不可停止聚會』，因我很久沒有回教會，也造就了機會讓魔鬼可以再次攻擊我。他又跟我解釋道，聖經曾說過，有一個被邪靈附身的人，得了醫治，邪靈被趕走了，但那人卻沒有持久的跟從神，那邪靈就會有機會再回來，並會帶更多的邪靈回來！所以我的情况可能會比之前更糟了！然而，令我感到安慰的，是每次小組聚會之後，都會有幾位弟兄姊妹為我禱告，祈求主的靈再次臨到我的身上。
有一次和那位弟兄一起禱告的時候，他鼓勵我回憶在日本所發生的事，再重返當時那個樂園，和玩那些刺激的遊戲時的片段。突然，在我腦中，出現了一個很不潔的靈，一個全身充滿泥漿，不斷流下的物體，我很害怕，弟兄說：『你不用作聲，我感覺到你見到的，是很污穢的東西。』於是，他即時奉主耶穌基督之名，命令它離開我身體，於是就不見了。
我不得不承認，主耶穌是真真實實地存在的！有一次在禱告的時候，我心中突然想到一句說話，這句話卻竟然在那位弟兄口中說出來，我感到很訝異，難道我弟兄能看穿我的心嗎？當然不是，我明白這是主的靈，同時和我倆說一樣的話。
每次和那位弟兄一起禱告時，我總能從主裏得到領受。有一次，在禱告中，我看到自己被困在籠中，有一隻老虎在籠外虎視眈眈的望着我。但主教導我，我和那隻老虎之間隔着的一道欄，近看是我被困在裏面，但主教導我，看事物要看得遠一些，衪教我一路的向後退下，然後叫我再看清楚，其實真正被困住的，是那隻老虎，而不是我！
弟兄姊妹一直為我祈禱，想把我心中阻隔着主的平安的那幅牆打破，但用了很久的時間還沒成功。牧師說：『這一刻打破不了也不打緊的，你要記着，你不是孤身作戰的，靠着主耶穌基督的力量，和教會的力量，總有一天能夠打破的！』
又有一次，這位弟兄帶我去一個基督教機構，請那兒的同工為我作心靈醫治的禱告。他們竟在禱告中發現我內心有一種『怕被遺棄的靈』存在，而我初時完全不認同，因我從來沒有被任何人遺棄，亦覺得我並沒有甚麼怕被遺棄的性情，而我的家人更從小就很愛我。於是他們不好意思的說可能是遺傳下來的。我大惑不解，回家向家人追問，他們只好說出實情………那一天，我感覺是，我的人生真是好像一齣戲一般，活了二十幾個年頭，才知道我的爸爸原來是收養回來的，即是說，與我同住多年的祖父祖母，和我是沒有半點血源關係的！我沒有恨誰，或恨家人沒有把這事說給我聽，反而我更加感激我的祖父祖母，因為他們真的很愛我。你說，神的大能是否真的很奇妙？
別再問是誰了 我要向山舉目
我和那位弟兄相聚一起禱告大約十多次，每次都得着平安的感覺。可是當我獨自一人時，不自在的感覺又很快返回到我的心中。這時，到底是那位自小已經糾纏着我的『朋友』，還是邪靈所致，已經很難去區分了。所以，真的，別問我是誰了，連我自己都不再去問了……
我時常求問神，為何要這樣？聖經上不是說：『我們所遇見的試探，無非是我們所能承受的』。我也時常和神說：『我捱不住了！』但總是得不到回應。
弟兄時常鼓勵我，着我無論如何都要緊守支持下去，神在我身上總有祂的計劃的。弟兄所說的話，我絕對明白，但無論在任何時間，就連玩耍時，一樣會隨時隨地的受到負面情緒打擊，完全防不勝防，試問，我可以捱得多久呢？我真的不知道………
痛苦的情度，比起以前更加厲害，我更有離開這個世界的念頭，但因為我已信了主，明白基督徒是不可以自殺的。現在的我，正是求生不得，求死不能！
期間，亦有其他教會的基督徒朋友為我禱告，傳道人說我不是什麼精神問題，着我要對主有信心，叫我緊記一段聖經金句，是『詩篇』121篇：
『我要向山舉目，我的幫助從何而來？我的幫助從造天地的耶和華而來，祂必不叫你的腳搖動，保護你的必不打盹。保護以色列的也不打盹，也不睡覺。保護你的是耶和華，耶和華在你右邊蔭庇你。白日太陽必不傷你。夜間月亮必不害你。耶和華要保護你，免受一切的災害。他要保護你的性命。你出你入，耶和華要保護你，從今時直到永遠。』
之後的日子，每當我不安時，就用這篇詩篇來抵擋。日子真不易捱。不久，就到了和我的家人去旅行的日子了。
下一集強勢預告：旅行能否把心情放鬆些？死亡的感覺越來越迫近，在醫院急症室中，我只剩下最後的一口氣了。神的巧妙安排，使我能和一位助人趕鬼治病的資深基督徒相見，這又能否把我醫治？我又嘗試了一些治療的方法，但每一個希望總換來失望，我好像走在一個沒出路的迷宮之中，我會否就此放棄？
下一集 別問我 是誰 ( 10 ) 死亡的迷宮
