After I have believed in Jesus, I have received lots of blessing from God. I therefore decided to get baptized very soon. The faith I had was so strong that I could stop all medication at one time. However, since the medication I took was addictive, it was not easy at all to live without them. But God gave me the power to go through this. God’s spirit had completely filled my heart and my “friend” could have no chance to visit me anymore.
Stopped Going to Church
After a while, I have changed my job. Since I became more and more busy with my job, I stopped going to Sunday services. But I did continue to pray and read the Bible every day. Later, since my job was too busy, I even stopped going to cell group. But God’s peace and the security given by Him didn’t leave me. I knew that He was with me all the time when I faced all those new challenges in my new life.
A Crazy Vacation
I am a person who likes exciting games. I had a crazy idea that I must try bungee jump at least one time in my life. One time, I went to Japan with a friend and we therefore were very eager to try those rides in the amusement parks.
We saw the advertisement there, which was very attractive to us. Such as “ the fastest roller coaster in the world “, “ the highest roller coaster in the world” , “ a horrifying psychiatric hospital”, “ a house of the spirits where visitors crying and running for emergency escape”. I wanted to try all of them!
We tired roller coaster first. We tried to estimate from the ground level and found that it should be more or less the same as those in Hong Kong. So we tried without any hesitation. After we had climbed up the slope, we found something strange. The roller coaster stopped for quite a while and we didn’t understand why, until we saw a notice there saying, “You are now 100 meters away from ground level and we are going to rush down at 180 degree at super speed! “
Too late, it was already too late to escape!
Then we played another roller coaster, which was at light speed. As the ride started to move, I could feel the speed was almost intolerable.
I would have collapsed if this went on for more than a few seconds!
After these two games, in fact, I thought may be I could not continue anymore. But, we thought that it was not easy to come here, so we played one more game. Then came the fourth game, which was that “horrifying house of the spirits”. We were just at the entrance of the house. We could hear lots and lots of screaming and many visitors tried to escape from the emergency exit. It was very clear to us that this game was really exceptionally horrifying. So, we finally made up our minds for not trying anymore.
After having these experiences, I had already given up the “bungee jump“ idea!
This crazy journey passed very quickly. We were on the plane flying back to Hong Kong. I was asleep on the plane.
Suddenly, I woke up in great panic!
“Why? Why? Why am I here? What am I doing? Why am I on the plane? Where am I going? Will the plane crash? “
I was in total lost. I used my will power to suppress these thoughts. However, another thinking then came into my mind. “What am I going to do tomorrow? I will just be doing the same thing as today. How about the day after tomorrow then? It will be the same again, I will be doing the same thing everyday over and over again. What is the meaning of this? What will life be in heaven? It would just be the same everyday, repeating doing the same thing every day even if we are in heaven, and we have to live like this until eternity! “
These thoughts were all compulsive, totally not out of my own will. It just happened in a few seconds and I could not control it at all. This was caused by the “friend “I always mention about.
I was totally broken down. So I started to pray. But I could not get any help from God! The peace from God had left me totally! I was in total despair and returned to Hong Kong with just an empty body!
My life and my mind would always look to the negative side. What had gone wrong? Have I done anything wrong?
Since then, my mind was filled with all kinds of strange thoughts and I was living in alert at all the time.
For example, when I was travelling on the bus on a bridge over the sea, I would plan in my mind how to escape if the bus rushed down into the sea. The windows on the buses many years ago could be opened. But nowadays the buses are all air-conditioned with fixed windows. Then I searched in my mind how to escape if the bus rushed down into the sea. I could find hammers on the buses and therefore I planned to break the windows to escape! If I was travelling on the ferry, I would plan all the steps to save my life if the ferry sunk. If there was a big truck on the next lane of the road, I would plan how to escape from my car if the trunk fell down on us!
What could I do? I could do nothing to control these negative thoughts. I could only think from the positive side and said to myself, “ May be this would keep me safe if I have this sense of alertness all the time. “
Heads up for next chapter: After I came back to Hong Kong, I immediately called a brother at church to help me and pray for me. He explained to me that playing in such crazy games was the same as opening our hearts for Satan to come in again.
So I went back to cell group meeting again. But something strange happened. What was this? The brother prayed with me very often, hoping to find out why this situation would come back.
Pastors and brothers prayed earnestly together for me, helping me to break the fear and the evil spirit inside my heart.
What was the outcome? There were even believers and preachers from other churches coming to help me too.
But disappointment came one after another. How long could I hang on? Next chapter, the Spiritual Warfare.
Mr. Ice Cream
Notes from editor: May be you will ask, “ why didn’t God help him when he was crying on the plane ? “ We have seek advice from our Pastor and the following is the advice from our Pastor.
Let us try to think from this angle. The author was saved by Jesus but had left his new family, i.e. the Church. Although he prayed and read the Bible by himself everyday, God established His Church with the aim to let us grow in the love and support of our brothers and sisters. God’s will was not for us to grow alone by ourselves. If God answered the author’s prayer at that time, would the author misunderstand that he can survive with his own faith to God? Therefore, God was not punishing him or testing him, but leading him to go back to His big family. The Church is God’s family, any believer who is distant from this big family can be easily broken by the devil!
信了住後，因得到了很大的祝福，所以很快便接受洗禮。這時的信心，使我能一次過停止服用所有的藥物。當然，也是很困難才能捱過，因我服用的藥物是會上癮的。而我那位『朋友』也好像沒有機會來打擾我，因為主的靈，把我內心的深處完全地充滿。
不久後，我轉換了工作，工作量日漸增加，有時星期日也需要上班，所以漸漸地停止了返主日崇拜。但我每天都沒有忘記神，有禱告和讀經。但後來連小組聚會也停止了，因為實在太過忙碌了。但主的平安和安穩是沒有離開我的，每天都陪伴着我，面對不同的挑戰。
我是個愛好刺激的人，所以我總覺得一生人要玩一次『笨豬跳』才算沒白費。有一次，我和朋友去日本旅行，當然不會放過玩一些刺激的機動遊戲的機會！我們去了一個樂園，有幾個遊戲是因刺激、恐怖而聞名的。那些宣傳都是甚麼『全球時速最快的過山車』、『全球最高的過山車』、『兩隻腳沒有支撐位的過山車』、『恐怖古舊的精神病院』、『很多人都要找緊急出口的鬼屋』…我統統都想玩！
我們第一個玩的是過山車，在地下看，覺得和香港的差不多，所以毫不考慮便玩了。上了斜才發覺有點不對勁，為何停了這麼久也未下斜？然後我們發現了車的右邊有個告示牌，寫着『你們已上了離地面100米，即將以差不多180度極速衝下去！』這時，想下車已沒機會了…..
之後，我們又玩了第二個遊戲。我們在地上看，覺得應該不會太刺激的，所以又去玩了。車子開了，原來這車以好像光速般行走，我這時已預料到，等到了終點前，我應該已撐不住了。幸好，原來這光速速度只維持幾秒。
玩完這兩個遊戲，其實已有點撐不住了，但總覺得不易到來嘛，就玩了第三個，不過，這個沒有前兩個那麼恐怖。到了第四個遊戲，我們進了門口，已聽到很多尖叫聲，和有些人在緊急出口逃走。好明顯，這鬼屋真是非一般的驚嚇！所以我們決定不玩這個游遊戲了。嘗試了在這樂園玩的經驗後，我已經打消了『笨豬跳』這念頭了！
幾日的旅程，很快便結束。我們乘機回香港。在飛機上，我睡著了。突然…………
我無故恐慌地醒了，這時在我腦中的想法是………『 為何 ? 為何 ? 為何我在這裏 ? 我是誰 ? 為何會在飛機上 ? 我去了那裏 ? 飛機會撞嗎 ？我現在要去那？』我好像去了一個完全陌生的地方 ！我便用我的意志去努力克制。 但又有另一個想法出現，明天又要做今天的事，後天又重覆着差不多的事，意義何在？……就算死了，去了天堂也會有類似的不安感覺吧？天堂也會有陌生的感覺吧？即使去了天堂，還不是類似的循環？如果在天堂每天都要做相同類似的事，而且還要直到永遠….？
以上的強迫想法不是出於自願的，而是在幾秒之內發生的，這就是我時常提及的『朋友』在作怪！
去到這裏，我的腦神經已完全崩潰了，我便立時禱告，求主打破這時的情況，可惜失敗了，我完完全全地得不到神的回應和幫助！而且在我內心深處的平安完全失掉了！像沒有了靈魂的軀殼，我只帶着一個虛空的身體回來！
回港後我即時通知教會的弟兄協助我，他告訴我，其實玩過份刺激的玩意，等於開了門口給撒旦機會再次進來。
我的人生，我的腦子，總會向負面看，是出自自願、想得太多 ?
我坐巴士的時候，一經過海上的天橋，就會預算若果這巴士會跌下海，我會怎樣逃生。很久之前的巴士，只要不關窗便可以游泳逃走。而現在的冷氣巴士是開不到窗的，我竟又留意到巴士上有些位置是放置了鎚的，那我又會想，在巴士跌下時一定要用鎚打破玻璃，然後游泳逃離！如搭船又會想到撞船，連萬一船隻下沈，應怎樣逃走的步驟都想好了！又如搭車時，每當有貨櫃車等大型車輛在旁行駛，總會想到那大型車輛倒下時，要立刻由車子逃出來！我只能盡量向好的一方面想，這些可能是我『那位朋友』加給我的危機意識啦！
可能有些讀者看到這裏，會問為何神不幫助我呢？現在我回想起來，才明白這是衪巧妙的安排，因為日後我的遭遇和遇到的患難，使我更經歷到祂的奇妙。在之後的幾集裏，我會再交待的。(註 1)
下一集強勢預告：再次返回小組聚會，卻又發生了突發的事情！到底是甚麽事？弟兄時常陪伴我禱告，想找出那位『朋友』回來的因由。牧師和弟兄同心合力為我祈禱，要打破我心中的牆和恐懼，和那不清潔的靈，結果如何? 其他教會的弟兄及傳道人也來給予幫助，每一個希望，但又帶來失望！我還能撐下去嗎?
下一集 別問我 是誰 ( 9 ) 屬靈的戰爭
兵奇臨
註１：編者也曾就此訪問牧師，牧師給了我們另一個角度去思考這問題。試想，作者在得救之後，離開了新的家，即教會，雖然他每天都有祈禱和讀聖經，但神所以設立教會，為的是使我們在信徒相交之中成長、相愛和支援，神的心意從來不是讓信徒單獨去成長的。若然神在這時刻應允了他，是否他就會以為單獨一人，靠着自己對神的信心就可以呢？所以，神不是懲罰他或考驗他，而是引渡他回歸祂的大家庭之中。教會就是神的家、耶穌的身體，凡遠離了神的家或脫離了耶穌身體的基督徒，魔鬼就能輕易地把他撃碎，因為他離了神的保護網，孤單一人。有云：一枝竹仔會易折彎，幾枝一扎斷折難。心堅智毅勇敢，亦要不忘團結方可有力量，更何況是遠離了神的家呢？（參約15:5-6；彼前5:8；來10: 24）
