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Some of the readers may wonder why my life has been filled with so many hardships and so many question marks. For example, the girl living next door wanted to start her life right again, but was killed in a traffic accident.\u00a0 Of course, by that time, I was only a kid, I felt totally helpless and found no way to resolve the doubts inside my heart.\u00a0 As of today, how will I look at this? I think life is not controlled in our hands. We have to treasure our time. Do not do anything that makes yourself or the ones who love you live in regret.\u00a0 It is not ours to say, \u201c Let me enjoy life and do what I want first!” If we know something is right, we have to grasp the day and do it today!<\/p>\n
Now let me share with you about losing my grandparents in this chapter.\u2019<\/p>\n
My grandma (my father\u2019s mother) loves me very much. She is a very kind lady. One time she discovered that I have stolen my grandpa\u2019s money.\u00a0 She promised me that she would not tell anyone if I would never do this again.\u00a0 I was so thankful to her and of course I have never done this again.\u00a0 However, I couldn\u2019t understand why she always told me, \u201c You must be good.\u00a0 Do not let anyone look down upon you. \u201c\u00a0 I thought, she must have been hurt by someone and thus said this to me.<\/p>\n
As time went by, her health deteriorated. When I was 14, one day she was laying in her bed. She held my hand and said, \u201c Remember this, you must be good\u2026. \u201c Why? Again such words! I felt a bit annoyed and didn\u2019t take her words seriously.<\/p>\n
In just a few days\u2019 time, her situation turned very bad and she couldn\u2019t speak at all. We could do nothing.\u00a0 Our only hope was that she could leave without much pain.\u00a0 However, what I saw was, my grandma, such a kind lady, had suffered so much in those few days. We could only stay by her side all the time in the hospital. These few days were very, very long for me.<\/p>\n
At this moment, my \u201c friend\u201d suddenly ran into my mind again\u2026 my grandma, why she had to suffer all these? Would I have to suffer the same when I died? I started to use pain to suppress my fear again.\u00a0 So, I used my right hand to hurt my left hand.\u00a0 This was the only way I could stop these thinking!<\/p>\n
It was in the afternoon while we were still staying in the hospital with grandma. My mothers\u2019 family members called and told us that my grandma (my mother\u2019s mother) was in the hospital too!<\/p>\n
So I went with my mum to another hospital and visited grandma. She was quite all right, without any serious situations.\u00a0 So we went back to the other side.\u00a0 In the evening, we went home to take a rest.\u00a0 However, when we just got home, we got a message from the hospital that grandma (my father\u2019s mother) was in very bad conditions that we needed to rush back.\u00a0 As we were on the way, my grandma didn\u2019t wait for us, and she left quietly without a word.\u00a0 I thought, maybe grandma didn\u2019t want us to be so sad.\u00a0 So, she chose to leave when we were not around.<\/p>\n
We were all so tired that night. But as when we were sleeping in the middle of the night, a call from the other hospital woke us up. My mother\u2019s mother, was in very bad condition.\u00a0 I thought, how could this be? She was okay when we visited her this morning. So I rushed to the hospital with my mother.\u00a0 When we were on the way to the ward, I could hear the crying\u2026. I couldn\u2019t believe this!\u00a0 I lost both grandmas in the same day!\u00a0 My mother was very sad. I had to suppress my feelings and told myself to be strong.\u00a0 I comforted my mother and accompanied her home.\u00a0 But inside my heart, I could not accept this, why? Was this just a co-incident? All these questions have been in my heart all the time affecting me through out the years as I grew up.<\/p>\n
A few years later, one day, my grandpa asked me to go out to buy some food for him. I just rejected him without any reason. I didn\u2019t realize that this was almost our last conversation.\u00a0 A few days later, his health suddenly turned very bad and was sent to the intensive care unit. I went to visit him. He could still talk, and he said to me, \u201c Remember, you must be obedient, you must be good! \u201c I thought, why, again such words! I am already a very good student. Why do they keep saying this to me? A few days later, he passed away in great pain, with bleeding from his ears, eyes, mouth and nose.<\/p>\n
I was in deep regret.\u00a0 He only asked me to do a very simple thing for him. I didn\u2019t take the opportunity to do it and I never had the chance to speak to him again. After that, I learnt that if I was able to do something, I should do it as quickly as I could.\u00a0 I would not allow myself to regret again. Today and tomorrow could be two totally different worlds. If you don\u2019t do this today, may be you will never be able to do it tomorrow.<\/p>\n
My heart was filled with anger and sorrow. Why had my grandparents and my mother kept saying, \u201c You must be good\u201d?\u00a0 This is because my family is a very large one, consisting of many smaller families.\u00a0 Some of us were richer and some were poorer.\u00a0 They always compare themselves with each other.\u00a0 No matter what happened in one family, gossip would be spread to other families.\u00a0 No matter what we did, be it a wedding, or a funeral, we must do it perfectly so no one can say a word. They will only say bad things about you.\u00a0 So \u201cdon\u2019t let other people look down upon you\u201d has been deeply cultivated in my mind.\u00a0 If they became richer, they will look down upon you. If my family gets richer, they will be jealous about us.\u00a0 Even if we tried to help some of the poorer ones, they would not be thankful to us at all!<\/p>\n
All these painful experiences caused \u201c my friend \u201c to visit me more and more frequently.\u00a0 I felt life was so meaningless. No matter how hard I tried to look for the meaning of life, no matter how hard I tried to be good, we could never escape from the emptiness of life. Both my body and my soul were in great pain.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I tried to call counseling hotlines and met with counselors. I totally understood what they said about the meaning of life. But this could never stop \u201cmy friend from attacking me.\u00a0 I have tried to do volunteer work to help other people, and I have learnt a lot from this too. I would try everything other people said that could bring meaning to life.\u00a0 But it was just the same.<\/p>\n
I studied in Christian school since I was very young. I knew about Jesus and had joined some fellowship meetings too. However, one day, my family told me that I was offered to Kwan Yum (a Chinese god) and therefore should not go to church again. I was only a kid and I had no power to choose what I wanted. So I stopped going to church.\u00a0 But in my mind, I have a belief that at the moment before I died, I would believe in Jesus.\u00a0 Because in my heart, I knew that He is the real God. However, since I didn\u2019t go to church and had no chance to study the Bible, I also worshipped other gods. I didn\u2019t know that this was wrong.<\/p>\n
I was in great pain. I have tired to seek help. I have tried to find a solution for it. But nothing could help me. Gradually, I would use any method that could help me stop this thinking.\u00a0 I would pray. I would hurt myself, hit myself, or slam my fist against the wall\u2026. All I wanted was using pain to prove that I still exist, and suppressed all these negative thoughts.<\/p>\n
Next chapter, I will share with you before I was born again, how I fight with \u201c my friend \u201c in the darkness.<\/p>\n
Mr. Ice Cream<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
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\u00a0\u73fe\u5728\u544a\u8a34\u4f60\u6211\u7684 <\u96d9\u5931> \u4e4b\u75db\u5427\uff01<\/p>\n
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\u4e0b\u4e00\u96c6\uff0c\u5225\u554f\u6211\u00a0\u00a0 \u662f\u8ab0 5 < \u5c0d\u6230 >\uff01<\/p>\n
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Some of the readers may wonder why my life has been filled with so many hardships and so many question marks. For example, the girl living next door wanted to start her life right again, but was killed in a traffic accident.\u00a0 Of course, by that time, I was only a kid, I felt totally […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[54,11,44,10,56,55,13,12,18],"class_list":["post-1240","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-testimony","tag-christian","tag-church","tag-church-life","tag-shatin","tag-shatin-church","tag-55","tag-13","tag-12","tag-18"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1240"}],"version-history":[{"count":23,"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3786,"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1240\/revisions\/3786"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1240"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1240"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.elimchurch.org\/wp\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1240"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}